It's the beginning of the end, the car went up the hill,
And disappeared around the bend, ask anyone they'll tell you that.
It's these times that it tends,
The start to breaking up, to start to fall apart
Oh! hold on to your heart.
Curiousity becomes a heavy load,
Too heavy to hold, too heavy to hold.
Curiousity becomes a heavy load,
Too heavy to hold, will force you to be cold.
She said, do me a favour and stop flattering yourself!
How to tear apart the ties that bind, perhaps fuck off, might be too kind,
Perhaps fuck off, might be too kind....
Well I was listening to the Arctic Monkeys today and the lyrics of this song keep circling in my head. As you have guessed perhaps from my last post - my whole life has changed. I broke up my relationship of 13 years. It was the most awful and toughest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't do confrontation, I don't do being the bad guy, I don't do hurting people (regardless of my blog name). But I had to face the fact that I wasn't happy, deep down. I was driving myself crazy. It's been almost a month now since the bombshell dropped. And it's been quite a month. It's hard to hurt someone - even if you've felt like they have hurt you. And knowing that I had been coming to this conclusion over the last few months, while they had no idea, is quite confronting. I have felt the full force of their pain, and tried to be supportive. But I have had to cop abuse on the chin and know that this person is lashing out because everything is changing and they don't want it to. Each day is different and unknown. It feels like this months has gone for months in itself!
But the flipside to this is I've discovered some things about myself. I've found that it's really hard to ask for help (no matter how much people offer it) and it's hard to let someone else look after you. However - there are times in life when you need to let the reigns loose and let yourself be vulnerable. I needed to turn to friends and to Peter to help me through a really hard time. If someone is yelling at you, saying awful things as they lash out in their pain, it's hard for it not to seep in a little. Do I deserve the tirade? Probably. Where all the things he said true? No they weren't. I know that even though I have hurt someone, I still deserve to be happy. And I am so lucky that it seems I have found someone who truly does.
One of the most amazing things is the feeling of utter relief. I have held on so tightly to all the anxiety and unhappiness for so many years. It was all so deep inside me, where no-one but I could see and feel it. Occasionally little bits would surface and some friends caught a glimpse of what was really going on with me. But for the most part it was too painful for me to face it, as the option seemed too overwhelming. And this is the interesting thing. When I tell people what I've done, the first thing nearly every single person has said is how brave I am. I don't feel brave at all. But I have realised that so many people stay in unhappy places. For so many reasons. Sure what I'm doing is awful in so many ways, but what is my alternative? I was fearful of waking up at 45 and wanting to blow my head off - as I'd feared I'd lived a life I didn't want. Wasn't truly happy in. I was on the path to that life, a life less lived. Why do so many people choose that option? Because it's easier to stay there. The hard choice is change.
I am so lucky in that I have someone holding my hand, helping me to get through the tough moments. And I know not everyone has that. But I have found myself in a place where the most amazing person has come into my life, and all the things I was scared of missing out on are suddenly on the table. The life I want can be mine - if I fight for it. Peter's friend Daniel paraphrased a W.C. Fields quote 'if you kick a man and he stays down, kick him again'. This is ringing true with me. I could have been unhappy and stayed there - but I got up and faced life head on. And no-one will kick me down ever again.
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