Wow - I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted. I guess there's been lots going on. The home search continues, unfortunately. It's now 4 months since we started looking, and the rollercoaster continues. Ups and downs, but I guess that's life really. Uni started back a few weeks ago, and I didn't really feel in the head space for it. You see work has been a bit crap lately. Actually, more than crap. Is there something beyond crap? I found myself in a place where I was so upset and disappointed in so many things. So much change, and not much direction. And I have discovered that this is the worst place for someone like myself. I find it crippling and depressing. I just didn't care at all anymore. I am not alone. I think I have about 25 colleagues in the same boat. So at least I know it's not just me. The worst of it is that I don't believe things will change...for the better. So I have had to face the thought of looking for another job. It's interesting, as on the 7th March this year, it was the 23rd anniversary of when I began working at this organisation. I have had a number of positions over that time, and maybe now is the time to look for another one.
The good thing about getting to this point is that it has cleared my head. By tarting up my CV and writing a job application, I have remembered not only all the things I have done in my past, but all the things I really have to offer. Perhaps I just need to find somewhere that is a better fit for me at this point in my life and my career. I'm now in my third year of Uni, and unless it leads to something, I guess it will just be a big expensive waste of time. So, watch this space for change.
Peter and I watched one of our favorite movies a few weeks ago. Lost in Translation by Sofia Coppola. Each time I watch it I get something else from it. Something new in the dialogue reveals itself, depending on what life is revealing to me. I have been thinking about these lines for weeks:
Charlotte: I'm stuck. Does it get any easier?
Bob: No. Yes. It gets easier ... The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you ... let things upset you.
Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be. You know? I tried being a writer, but ... I hate what I wrote. And I tried taking pictures, but they're so mediocre, you know. Every girl goes through a photography phase. You know ... like horses. You know ..? Take ..uh ...dumb pictures of your feet.
Bob: You'll figure that out. I'm not worried about you. Keep writing.
I guess I had been wondering if it does get any easier. Life always seems to throw up hurdles. But Bob is right. It does get easier, when you know who you are, and somehow you don't seem to let unimportant things worry you any more. Turning 40 and being with an amazing person, and surrounding myself with fabulous friends, both new and old has made me feel that I am being the person I'm supposed to be. Each step of the journey means I am finding my way. My own way. To where I am supposed to be.
We all try things, and have plans and goals and ideas about where we would like to be heading. But sometimes life throws you a curveball. What happens if the goal isn't all it's cracked up to be? If reality falls short of the dream? No matter how old you are, it's easy to feel lost. But I guess the secret is to keep going. That next curveball may just lead you somewhere unexpected and wonderful. Or like Bob's advice - keep writing. Sometimes you have to wade through the mediocre stuff before you become good at things. You have to keep trying.
Life may not be easy, but perhaps it does get easier.
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