Anyone
who knows me or has had a cursory read through my blog will know that much of
my writing has been devoted to relationships. The relationship with my
lovely husband, family, friends and the breakdown with my Ex. Some things
in life are simple and joyous. But that last one has been a work in
progress since May 2009. I've faced some really crappy times, both
emotionally, legally and financially. It has also not affected me, but
also Peter, as I know there are times when the past never seems to stay where
it should...in the past. But life is complicated. And in true form,
just when you feel that life is taking nice steps forward in directions you
want it to - BAM!
A couple
of days ago I find a facebook friend request...from my Ex. I have to say
it freaked me the fuck out. No message, just a request. It had been
12 months since I had to deal with him about the settlement of our old life.
I posted a question on facebook: was this an olive branch; stalking; or a
headfuck. My glorious friends far and wide jumped in with an overwhelming
response that considering how messy the breakup was, they were choosing options
B or C. I was in a panic. The ignore button on the friend request
was looming large, but after the anger I endured through the breakup, I didn't
want to 'poke the bear' (as we say in our house). How do I say no without
incurring any wrath?
I luckily
received a message from a mutual friend (who is in contact more with him than
me). She said she thought it was an olive branch and that there was
nothing malicious in the request. She said he seemed to have moved on,
well and truly, and is harbouring no ill feelings or anger towards me or the
break up any more. Even so - she still thought it was a bad idea.
She said she'd try talking to him about it and help him to see this.
I couldn't thank her enough.
I guess
what this has shown me, is that even after talking to a psychologist about the
breakup, I was still carrying around the fear of bumping into the Ex. I
knew it would happen eventually, and my heart would race if I was at a gig and
saw someone with any similar physical resemblance. I imagined every
scenario or possible outcome. But any which way I looked at it, the fear
loomed large. On hearing the news from our mutual friend, I actually
began to think differently. Perhaps I could let the fear go. Let
the hurt go. And the guilt, I was feeling for having found a new and
wonderful relationship. This news, in a way, had the power to change
everything.
It's
never nice to cause anyone pain. It's very hard to put yourself first.
But when it comes to happiness, you may have to learn this, no matter how
painful it is. I see other people struggling with this, and the tumult of
emotions and thoughts that come along for the ride. But somehow hearing
news that the Ex had moved on meant that I could too. Completely. I
can stop carrying around the fear and guilt. This stuff takes time, and I
am sure that I'll still be shaking should I find myself in the same room as
him. But hopefully civility will be the goal for everyone
concerned.
I am so happy and contented with the home Peter and
I are creating. I feel able to be the person I'm supposed to be.
And with each step forward, and each day of working through the past, I
find myself not looking back nervously over my shoulder, or feeling the past
nip my heels. I am making a happier future for myself, my beautiful
husband and our lovely friends.
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